meapet | 3 gun salute and taps.

Well, its done.

The funeral was harder than I expected. We had to sit in the front row, and just sitting there before hand, with all the extended family I didn't know behind us, some I did know, and the Barracuda, my Grandfather's Estranged wife glaring at me as I went outside, I broke down. I ended up calling Daddy for a reality check/ pep talk (thank you so much Daddy), before going in about 10 minutes before. No one could make up their minds where to sit, so I sat on the next to last seat, next to my dad. Even when the music started playing, I started to cry. And I had just settled down, when they started to play "Amazing Grace," one of the few songs that makes me cry on the first phrase. I used up an entire wad of tissues in the first 20 minutes of the service alone. At the end, dad put his arm around me, and I just couldn't help but sob. I squeaked several times, even though I was trying to be quiet. Dad even cried. I was suprised.

We had to sit in the front row at the gravesite too. My Grandfather was a veteran as well, so when we got there, there was an honor guard to be pallbearers and to do a full Military honors. My Aunt Vesta and I held hands and cried as they did the rifle salute, and we shook as each bullet was fired, realizing that this was real and final. Then they played "Taps." I think everyone sobbed. When they folded the flag, they handed it to my dad, he choked up. Its really hitting him hard too, especially since I've never seen him show this much emotion or be this friendly to relatives, ever. He was even cool with my cousin Chris.

I think one of the things that really upset me today was realizing that in a few years, I could possibly be in the same position my dad was in today. And I realized that I will probably have no grandparents who will be great-grandparents. The only one left is my mom's Dad, and he's starting to go down hill as well. Then of course, that gets me thinking of memories of my grandma and pap Clift, and it made things bad. My head and eyes hurt so much right now, and I feel mentally exhausted. I'm hoping soon to go take a nap or something. I may just veg out in front of the satellite, or sit outside for awhile. It's so pretty and quiet today.

On another note, I'm staying up again tonight because of my physical and mental exhaustion and my general mental state. I just don't feel like being home alone tonight. Secondly, Chris' mom (my Aunt Debbie, if you'll read back into a past journal entry), has been given less than 24 hours to live. She has cancer in her lungs and breast, they found, which she didn't have discovered until it was too late. They have her so drugged up because she's in so much pain, she doesn't remember anyone, and barely responds to you. Chris is really really upset. He says that its hard because he just found his biological mom again, and now he's going to lose her. We all feel bad for him, and I think that when Aunt Debbie dies, both mom and I are going to go to the funeral. She actually thinks that Chris is a good kid now, and I would agree. A little rough around the edges, but that's expected.

Anyway, off for num nums and a nap.